Nasty Gal.

Meet Sophia Amoruso.

I find inspiration in just about anything, but what she says in this video really hits home

Moment of Brave Insanity

A mentor of mine suggested that I start recording myself on video as an excercise of confidence and a way to get my emotions out.

A lot can be said about some of the things that I've posted on this blog (some things I don't regret, some that I do) but, I've never dreamed in a million years that I'd record a video of myself and post it on the internet for strangers to see.

Writing honestly is one thing, but doing a video is another level of vulnerability that I never thought that I'd be willing to challenge.

Well... I did it. I'm absolutely certain that I come across as a damn fool, and chances are no one will likely watch this but me, but it's up.

It's me.  Crazy, honest and silly.

After I hit this 'Publish' button I'm going to hide in a quiet corner for a while and pretend like this never happened.

Thee Quarter Life Crisis... and Victory

Hello out there....

It's been months. Seems like the only time I post on this thing is when I'm in the midst of some life altering drama, unemployed or just have a spark of creative and motivating energy. Alas cherubs, I am able to circle the all of the above circle on this one.

Worry not, the doll of all things hot and messy is doing quite well.

I use the words crisis and drama to describe and outsiders perspective of what might be going on with moi.

To the average outsider my life is shaky. I've failed more times than I can count (probably more than I realize, but my delusions of grandeur won't allow me to conceptualize them) I'm isolated from the people that support and love me most (...ironically, the same ones that understand me least) AND I'm DEAD ASS BROKE.

I get bills every month in the mail and laugh. Seriously, Sallie Mae and 'her' notices... Bitch please.

My career... HA! 3 jobs in the time span of a year. The first one I ran out of like Angela Bassett as Tina Turner when she ran across that highway to escape Ike's crazy ass. The second... FAIL The third?... Man listen. At this point in my life, the 'paying your dues' speech means absolutely nothing. I'll spare the details, but let's just say telling your boss that she's inconsistent, a push over and focuses on irrelevant details is the quickest way to find yourself without employment. It probably also didn't help that I announced that I don't drink coffee and didn't give a damn what the rest of the office has to do to get their caffeine fix.

So here I am. Back to square one.

This post isn't a narrative of my insubordination and failure to comply with corporate culture. It's not another rant meant to inspire or declare myself a winner. The truth is, I believe that I'm a winner regardless of any career achievements I receive (...and likely won't) I don't give a damn about office politics and the ever so sickening 'playing of the game'

I'm writing this as my victory speech (permission granted to roll your eyes)

I celebrated my 26th Birthday a couple of days ago. It was a typically quiet and unrecognized birthday, like all the others (pardon me, I'm the type that gets emo and remembers how unpopular I've always been on the social scene...j/k I have friends!...j/k No I don't)

This birthday stands out more so than others because it marks the completion of 25.

25 was a doozy.

25 was hell.

25 was a blessing.

In a span of 12 months I've experienced every emotional high and low one could ever imagine. Giving you the play-by-play of the events of my 25th year would read as drastically dramatic, bi-polar and somewhat unbelievable sappy Lifetime throwaway. (If it ever come to be, may I request that my part is played by Zoe Kravitz? She's the only one that I believe best embodies my sultry-hippy vibe and old soul yet youthful sensibility. If she's not available, I'll accept little KeKe Palmer)

Surviving 25 and still standing (with my hand on my hip and my new grown woman booty poked out) at 26 shows me that all the cliche phrases we've all heard a million times are so true (cue in your Granmammie's voice: This too shall pass baby)

I will go as far to say that 25 was my life defining year, and standing on the back end of it makes me believe that anything is possible.

I've talked to a few of my peers and they confirmed with me that 25 was the 'What the Fuck?' year for them as well. That is if one is lucky. This year has also made it clear for me that not all adults are fortunate enough to experience this grown-ass graduation. 12 months ago if I was referred to as a 'girl' it wouldn't dawn on me. Try it now.... *wishing a MoFo would*

If I had to go back and relive that year, I wouldn't. It was scary. But what it gave me is so invaluable I wouldn't trade it in for any material possession or super power in the world. 25 gave me ME.

It was the year that I had to face myself upfront without any protection, excuses, validation or backup from anyone. The world showed how cruel it could be and made no apologies for it. Just when  I thought I was back on pace there was another curve ball thrown my way. Each one hit harder than the previous one.

Life does not slow down. The world will not stop and comfort you. If you're are lucky, someone will show you compassion, but don't mistake that for a pass to fall back. Keep going.

25 also showed me my weaknesses. It put me in so many uncomfortable and compromising positions and didn't relent until it made sure I felt every jab of all the battles that I'd eased away from unscathed in the past. I'll say honestly, some of the decisions I chose made me disappointed in myself.

I learned that the ones that I've trusted and relied on the most are not perfect, and are not always honest. It's cool, neither am I.

Through all the personal growth that I've accomplished at 25, I will finish off with the most enlightening (at least for me)... It's not THEM, It's ME.

Am I the only one that has the hard time with the following phrases?: Adapting, fitting in, adjusting, accepting my station in life, playing the game....

Yes? Okay, cool. Yeah, for 25 years I've wasted time trying to do those things. Guess what? It ain't happening here. In lieu of sounding like an angry, anti-establishment militant black woman, let me explain.

Earlier this year I read something in Sydney Poitier's autobiography that set me off. A phrase that I've heard numerous times, but never really examined until that moment. The statement read something like, working twice as hard as your white peer to get half as much.

Yeah... Fuck that bullshit.

The day that someone shows me who my white peer is, will be the day that I conform to the idea of playing the role of the non-threatening black girl that won't speak her mind for fear that it will come of as too aggressive. That same day I will pretend that I am quite okay with having the same educational background (Private school and college educated) as my white peer but will settle for making sure that same scatterbrained bitch has a hot pot of coffee every morning while she comes into work 25mins late and checks Facebook before opening her work email, all while getting paid more than double my salary.

No.

Well so much for not coming across as an angry black woman huh?

A well meaning acquaintance suggested that I settle into my station in life. That no matter I hard I work and how much I accomplish, I'll never be one of 'THEM.' He said that once I came to that realization, I'd have more of a concrete path to focus on and won't be frustrated with falling short of my lofty aspirations.

That's good advice right?.... The problem is, I was cursed with the lack of simple mentality.

So my realization that it's not THEM, it's ME is a lifesaver.

The game that I realized I'd been trying so hard (...or not so hard) to adapt to and failing miserably at was not my game. It's theirs'.

The same way that Lebron James doesn't compete with Tim Tebow is the same way I could never compete with anyone else.

My game is very different. 25 was my championship season. The parade happened on my 26th birthday.